Fear

Once again Draz has made me think. Her latest post asks "What are you afraid of and can you type it out?"

I have so many fears, most don't even make sense. Besides the obvious ones like snakes, spiders, heights and big dogs, I have many many....

• I am afraid if I ever show my true feelings about ANYTHING, people won't like me. I don't know why I want people to like me, I am a loner by nature. I can stay locked in my room for days and it not bother me at all.
• I am afraid that I am lying to myself and that no matter how hard I work at this, I will end up gaining all of the weight back. So, that leads me to just saying "F-it. It's gonna come back so why not have that cookie, chips.....(whatever the edible drug of choice is that day)?
• I am afraid that I am a really horrible person because I cannot stand to be in the same room with my mother anymore and she lives with us. And I think she knows this. And it makes her depressed which pisses me off and dislike her more. It's a circle I can't break. There are days that I wish she would just go away. Forever. I can't deal with her emotional manipulation anymore. 
• When the days of depression come, I am afraid that they won't go away again. Like today. 30 yrs ago, my favorite person in the whole world died. It was my papa and I miss him like crazy. My granny joined him almost 5 yrs ago and I hate living in a world without either of them. 30 years is a long time, a very long time. I was 12. He wouldn't even recognize me if he walked by me on the street now. I often wonder if he would approve of my choices.   Side note: When he died, everyone told me he was "watching me all the time and taking care of me," in my mind, for many many years, this created paranoia. Especially in more ummm intimate moments. I didn't want him watching that. 

Those are just some of my fears....there are many more. It just makes me sad to think of them all at once.

Tonight, we are going to see Stephen Hawking. I am excited about this. Yeah, I am a geek. In a big way. I have looked forward to this for over a month now. It's in Cupertino, which is an hour and a half away. It doesn't start until 8 so I would imagine it will be closer to 1 am when we get home. I get up at 5:30 to go to the gym. I think that might suck, just a little. But I will do it. Of course I will.  :)