Have all my bloggers gone? I logged in this morning to "You are not currently following any bloggers" !!! WTH? This is causing a moment of panic. I cannot lose everyone! :(
Usually, this is solved by refreshing. But I have been without everyone since 8:30. I may not comment or post, but I try to read as much as possible.
Thanksgiving was a disaster. Well, for everyone else in my family, it was fun. Me? I was in bed with a migraine for two days. I am better now, but have the migraine hangover. I think this was triggered by the chiropractor. I just started going to him and so things are being adjusted that have probably needed it for a long time. He found two birth defects in my spine that I did not know I had. We will see if this does any good, I am tired of the back pain honestly. I cannot eat vicodin like they are m&ms for the rest of my life. nope.
Yesterday, we went to the Dickin's Fair. It was fun, a lot of walking which I enjoyed and some really fun costumes. It almost made me wish I had dressed up in Victorian garb. Umm, not. The dresses are pretty, but I am not gonna lug one of those things around all day. The kids had a lot of fun though. And yes, I did get a little Dickin's Cider. LOL! (Read that out loud)
Tomorrow is my one year surgiversary. I hit my goal the other day (145.7) but this morning I am still back up to 150.6. I am upset with myself, but I don't want to be too goal oriented just because this is a long marathon, not a short race. I don't want to focus on failures, because if I just stick it out, it will be a success. And what is bad is I see this as a failure. I don't see that I have lost all this weight, I see that I have a regain. Almost 5 lbs. I am starting to catch myself when I start snacking. I no longer own jelly beans or sesame sticks. So, instead of finding a different snack, I am going to work on figuring out what to do instead of snacking.
I did have one revelation. This eating frenzy and shopping craziness started at the last of October. My grandmother died 4 years ago Oct. 30 (co-incidentally, I bought my car on this Oct.30th). She was my hero and I miss her everyday and feel somewhat responsible for her dying. If someone had been there for her, she would have gotten medical treatment sooner. It might not have made a difference, but more than likely it would have. I think this has a shit ton to do with my anger toward my mom. She will live in my house and let me support her while she does nothing, but she was not willing to live with her mother because "she wouldn't have a life" if she did. So she let her die. Someone as good as my grandma should not have been left to suffer because it wasn't convenient. No one should. But I can't help but feel it should have been my mom that went instead of my grandmother. And I hate myself for feeling like that. Really and truly.
Boy, ouch, that snuck out of me. But I am not deleting. I need to put it out there.
Thanks for letting me, and thanks for not judging me. Even if you do, thanks for not yelling at me. :)
Usually, this is solved by refreshing. But I have been without everyone since 8:30. I may not comment or post, but I try to read as much as possible.
Thanksgiving was a disaster. Well, for everyone else in my family, it was fun. Me? I was in bed with a migraine for two days. I am better now, but have the migraine hangover. I think this was triggered by the chiropractor. I just started going to him and so things are being adjusted that have probably needed it for a long time. He found two birth defects in my spine that I did not know I had. We will see if this does any good, I am tired of the back pain honestly. I cannot eat vicodin like they are m&ms for the rest of my life. nope.
Yesterday, we went to the Dickin's Fair. It was fun, a lot of walking which I enjoyed and some really fun costumes. It almost made me wish I had dressed up in Victorian garb. Umm, not. The dresses are pretty, but I am not gonna lug one of those things around all day. The kids had a lot of fun though. And yes, I did get a little Dickin's Cider. LOL! (Read that out loud)
Tomorrow is my one year surgiversary. I hit my goal the other day (145.7) but this morning I am still back up to 150.6. I am upset with myself, but I don't want to be too goal oriented just because this is a long marathon, not a short race. I don't want to focus on failures, because if I just stick it out, it will be a success. And what is bad is I see this as a failure. I don't see that I have lost all this weight, I see that I have a regain. Almost 5 lbs. I am starting to catch myself when I start snacking. I no longer own jelly beans or sesame sticks. So, instead of finding a different snack, I am going to work on figuring out what to do instead of snacking.
I did have one revelation. This eating frenzy and shopping craziness started at the last of October. My grandmother died 4 years ago Oct. 30 (co-incidentally, I bought my car on this Oct.30th). She was my hero and I miss her everyday and feel somewhat responsible for her dying. If someone had been there for her, she would have gotten medical treatment sooner. It might not have made a difference, but more than likely it would have. I think this has a shit ton to do with my anger toward my mom. She will live in my house and let me support her while she does nothing, but she was not willing to live with her mother because "she wouldn't have a life" if she did. So she let her die. Someone as good as my grandma should not have been left to suffer because it wasn't convenient. No one should. But I can't help but feel it should have been my mom that went instead of my grandmother. And I hate myself for feeling like that. Really and truly.
Boy, ouch, that snuck out of me. But I am not deleting. I need to put it out there.
Thanks for letting me, and thanks for not judging me. Even if you do, thanks for not yelling at me. :)
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3 comments:
No judgment here. I'm sorry about the loss of your grandmother but you need to move past your feelings of guilt. It's not your fault she died. I can see that it's still an emotionally raw topic for you and I think it's important that you made the connection between the anniversary of your grandmother's passing with the recent candy free for all. Recognizing subconscious patterns is a really big step toward overcoming them (I'm pretty sure I read that in Dear Abby or something). Hang in there sweetie!
I am so sorry about your grandmother. You are right, nobody should be left alone because it is inconvenient. You are a really good person. You should know that! And you may have lost your followers (hope that was fixed by now) but you haven't lost me!!!! I am super behind in reading, so my comments are going to be late, but whatev! Sorry about your migraine, and it ruining your thanksgiving!
I would be devastated if my grandmother (my Mema anyway) were to die because of something someone else considered inconvenient. I don't blame you for your feelings, nor do I judge you.
That being said, I wish I knew some advice to give ya about the snacking... but I've been having the same problem lately. If you come up with a helpful tip, let me know!
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