This is not a game.

So, as of yesterday, I am 3 months out. In that time, I have hit a total of 40 lbs gone. I have also figured out how to "eat around my sleeve." Like this is a game and I win by figuring out the bad ways. Whatever. That is gonna stop. I have to realize that I am the only one who can do this, I am the one who NEEDS to do this. I need to grow up.

I have also called to get a psych appt. I have started having anxiety attacks in my sleep. Yep, I am ok during the day, but when I am sleeping, I freak out. I wake up feeling like I am screwing up my job, school, and my family life. This is without any indication that this is true. I am doing fine on all fronts (as far as I know). It is totally out of the blue. I wake up and my heart is racing, I can't breathe and I feel  like I am gonna die and need to get to work/school/etc. to get busy and make it right. In my sleep, I am failing and cannot regain control. I was up at 4:30 this morning and could not get back to sleep. I was in a full blown panic. Not good.

I am really frustrated that all I ever seem to do is complain and lament on here. I am not usually that person. I am quiet, yeah. But, I am not a whiner. That needs to stop too. But I guess I gotta let it out somewhere.

O's appt is in two hours. I'm still worried about that, but not as worried as I was. I am trying to be more optimistic. Maybe my nutritional changes have affected him and we can rectify that. We will see.