Day 4

I will just put it out there. I don't like myself and don't understand why anyone else could like me.

For as long as I can remember, I have felt like people didn't like me, they just pretended to. So they wouldn't hurt my feelings. It makes no sense, but that is what is in my head. I remember feeling like this in first grade. His name was Bryan and I had a HUGE crush on him. And then one day he drew me a picture and wrote on it that he loved me. (yeah, first grade love) My first thought? Jill (a girl in my class) talked him into saying that so that they could laugh at me.


This defies logic when questioned. Why did my husband want to marry me? Why do my kids want to hang around with me instead of doing teenager things? I can't answer any of those type of questions.

So maybe, just maybe, I'm wrong. What if I really am likable? What if I really am funny like they keep telling me? What if I sabotage any potential friendships by questioning what is wrong with that person that they might like me?

I know these are things I need to work on. I know it's my own insecurities that push people away. It is why I have eaten myself into oblivion and beyond. It's why I can literally go for weeks without speaking to anyone other than my husband, kids and the people in my office. I have made myself invisible. I have become non-existent. Why?

Because my daddy and mommy were mean and told me all these things I am feeling now? Maybe. I heard crap like this all the time. But why would I listen to that stuff, and not pick up other stuff from them. Like how to roll a perfect joint or cut a great line of coke. I guess it was my own twisted version of "take what you need and leave the rest". I needed someone to define me when I was a kid. Even if I was defined as not worth knowing. I chose not to behave like them, just believe what they said about me. Stupid. It really was.

Food has always been my friend, and it never judged me. And I loved it right back. My mom worked at an oil company and was friends with the vending machine guy, so she would buy candy bars by the CASES. I would hide in my closet and eat them, I would give them to the neighborhood kids so they would like me. Food was the perfect wall I could put up around myself. People who ate through the wall must want to know me. It never dawned on me that I would be here with my butt hanging over the sides of my chair because I wanted to be LIKED. And now? I can tell myself people won't want to talk to me because I am so big. I go to parties with my husband and mentally calculate what fraction of floor space I am taking up.

I am so tired of this.

And I know that losing the weight won't make it all better. But it will stop the physical pain and make it to where I can be more active, I crave being able to go hiking, running, all kinds of things. And I am willing to work to get there. I just need help.

I need to work on my confidence. And by putting this out there for anyone who comes along to read, that is a big thing for me.