I mean yay! Two days off. To rest. I am so spent this week I don't know why. I think it's because I haven't done much as far as exercise. I think I just didn't recharge right. I have a hard time getting started.....here's the thing.
I have been vaguely diagnosed and wholly untreated OCD. I am compulsive with numbers. And other things, but that's the big thing.When I buy groceries, I have to really fight not to by canned goods in quantities of 4. I can only do temperatures on my car a/c in increments of 5 unless it's at 72 which is an optimal temp according to the electric company so it sticks in my head too. These are just a few examples.
My other problem is I obsess on stuff. Badly. If I decide I need something, I obsess over it until I figure out how to get it. And then I am over it. This can be very stressful and/or expensive. Sometimes, my compulsions last until I run out of money. Like on clothes or makeup. I was optimistic about surgery, but was really afraid this might just be another obsession. I am almost 2 years post op and I am not over it yet. But, I do have my days. I think about cookies, or popcorn and I obsess over it. If I don't just have a freaking cookie, this will become a full blown single thought obsession that will not go away until I have eaten a whole kazillion cookies. It's a very hard balancing act. So, when I "fall off the wagon," it's usually in that way. I can control my eating day to day, but when this happens, I can't stop it. I don't know how. It is almost painful, I don't know how to describe it. But when I am finished, I am mad. At myself for it happening again. So then I create rules. Like I can't eat, say, my lunch sandwich if I eat all of my breakfast. I can't have my fruit until I drink all of my water for the day. These rules often don't make sense and are quite unhealthy. I haven't told anyone except one doctor, one time and never followed through. I'm sure people notice, especially with the obsessing over things. As I am getting to a better place in my head, I am more aware of this, but it still pops up occasionally. I have been in a full blown obsession with some stuff here lately, to the tune of about $500 over the last week. I am noticing I do this most when I am stressed or feeling guilty. I have been feeling overstressed with company and not exercising. When that stressor is removed, I used the obsession to "make myself feel better." It never works. I feel worse for caving into it again.
Wow, I went off on a bender there.....my point was, one of my control issues is, if I run three days a week, it has to be M,W,F. If I miss a day, I can't make it up. It screws up the whole timetable and I cannot get into it. I can't do T,Th, S or heaven forbid, two days in a row. So I blow it off for the rest of the week. And that breaks my heart. And makes me feel like I am failing. I tell myself I will "just get over it" or "suck it up" but I cannot do it. I freeze. I can't leave the house, it screws up my whole equilibrium for the day. So for me, try again tomorrow isn't the solution. It's start over on Monday. This really sucks.
I have been vaguely diagnosed and wholly untreated OCD. I am compulsive with numbers. And other things, but that's the big thing.When I buy groceries, I have to really fight not to by canned goods in quantities of 4. I can only do temperatures on my car a/c in increments of 5 unless it's at 72 which is an optimal temp according to the electric company so it sticks in my head too. These are just a few examples.
My other problem is I obsess on stuff. Badly. If I decide I need something, I obsess over it until I figure out how to get it. And then I am over it. This can be very stressful and/or expensive. Sometimes, my compulsions last until I run out of money. Like on clothes or makeup. I was optimistic about surgery, but was really afraid this might just be another obsession. I am almost 2 years post op and I am not over it yet. But, I do have my days. I think about cookies, or popcorn and I obsess over it. If I don't just have a freaking cookie, this will become a full blown single thought obsession that will not go away until I have eaten a whole kazillion cookies. It's a very hard balancing act. So, when I "fall off the wagon," it's usually in that way. I can control my eating day to day, but when this happens, I can't stop it. I don't know how. It is almost painful, I don't know how to describe it. But when I am finished, I am mad. At myself for it happening again. So then I create rules. Like I can't eat, say, my lunch sandwich if I eat all of my breakfast. I can't have my fruit until I drink all of my water for the day. These rules often don't make sense and are quite unhealthy. I haven't told anyone except one doctor, one time and never followed through. I'm sure people notice, especially with the obsessing over things. As I am getting to a better place in my head, I am more aware of this, but it still pops up occasionally. I have been in a full blown obsession with some stuff here lately, to the tune of about $500 over the last week. I am noticing I do this most when I am stressed or feeling guilty. I have been feeling overstressed with company and not exercising. When that stressor is removed, I used the obsession to "make myself feel better." It never works. I feel worse for caving into it again.
Wow, I went off on a bender there.....my point was, one of my control issues is, if I run three days a week, it has to be M,W,F. If I miss a day, I can't make it up. It screws up the whole timetable and I cannot get into it. I can't do T,Th, S or heaven forbid, two days in a row. So I blow it off for the rest of the week. And that breaks my heart. And makes me feel like I am failing. I tell myself I will "just get over it" or "suck it up" but I cannot do it. I freeze. I can't leave the house, it screws up my whole equilibrium for the day. So for me, try again tomorrow isn't the solution. It's start over on Monday. This really sucks.
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4 comments:
Hi Stacey! New follower here - another Californian! :-)
I wanted you to know that some of my family members have some OCD too, and I've had good friends as well - I think it's actually more common than a lot of people realize, and like you said, it gets kicked up more with stress/anxiety. Probably exercise helps alleviate it. One of my family members would come home and have to scrub spots on the carpet before he could relax, because work was bad that day. What at first seemed like a good quality - he was a hard worker, and neat - started to become a problem as he got older and it was more obsessive. For him, and this other good friend of mine (she was a mom of 4 kids, and as her family size grew, the stress grew, and the OCD got worse) they just started on a mild anti-depressant/anti anxiety med, and it made a huge difference. It didn't change who they were at all, it just helped them manage the anxiety better, and feel more in control of the compulsion/decision making.
Both the people I'm thinking of felt embarrassed to talk to the doctor about it at first, and reluctant to try meds, and then were SO HAPPY when they did, and had a great result, so I just wanted to toss out the idea for what it's worth.
Either way though, I hope you feel better soon!! It sounds like when things are less stressful, your routine is back, (house guests gone) and you can exercise, those things will all help a lot. I hope you feel better soon, and are not too hard on yourself!!
I think I have ADD, but I can't take meds because I have high BP. I hate when I feel like my mind is spinning, or I'm blathering on and on, so in some way I relate I think. Look at this rambling post, lol. :-) I spend a lot of my life trying to edit myself and hoping I didn't just make a fool of myself. :-)
I am the SAME way about my food. And I can't help eating a cookie or two almost every other day at work. Umm, what happened to my keto resolve? It's driving me nuts. I want to eat them all and get 'em out of the place. (God forbid anything just gets thrown away.)
Maybe you should talk to another doc and follow through this time. Not only can it interfere with your progress and life, but it obviously messes with your head and you could be feeling so much better. I've always said I wish I had just a touch of OCD about cleaning because I'm a terrible housekeeper and it would do me good to be a little more compulsive about that but I don't envy anyone who feels trapped by it. I hope today gets off on the right start for your week! :)
Hey Stacey,
I'm just refreshing up on blogs this morning. Trying to get to know everyone better before our trip.
I completely agree with Cheri. I think a small dose of medicine can help you tremendously. There is no need to suffer through something like this.
Sandra
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